letters to cam
by oliviasaundersxx
Summary: "I feel alone here, And cold here, But I don't want to die" - Cut, The plumb. Two weeks after cam's death, Dallas isn't dealing with it well, He's becoming a stranger to himself. Not showing up to hockey, drinking and skipping classes. He starts writing to cam, will it help or just lead him farther down the same path that cam took?.
1. Chapter 1

_17th April 2013_

dear cam,

they think i'm crazy, maybe I am.

I don't know,

it's been a month since you died, everybody's moving on like you didn't even _exist._

It makes me so angry.

Audra made me go to a therapist because apparently i'm so young I don't know how to cope, she said letters work to get your anger out, so here i am writing to you, a dead kid.

Thus why i think i am crazy, or maybe it was the fact that owen yelled at me today after i skipped practice, calling me crazy telling me i needed help, he told me that moping around wasn't going to bring _you _back and i know this, honestly i do, but i can't help being sad.

his brother tristan told him stop, (you we're friends with him, right?) he refused and said that somebody needed to say it.

I wish he was wrong, cam, but he wasn't.

the clock says 6:14, practice started at six, i don't know why i don't go, i will get ready, telling myself that today i would go, but i never do, it's like when i leave my room i suddenly have responsibilities and people to impress and i don't want to have that.

sometimes i hate my friends because they are so happy and i just want to be happy like that again, cam, did you know that you took my happiness away?

sometimes i hate you. i hate you for not caring that you weren't just taking you're life when you jumped off the roof, you we're taking a piece of everybody's hearts with you.

if you're watching me right know you would see that im crying, big wet tears, there staining the piece of paper i'm writing on, smudging the ink,

if you watch us you would also know that you're girl Maya has gone AWOL, sleeping with guys, she's becoming the talk of the school.

people whisper about her when they think she's not listening they say she is taking drugs and trying to replace you, but she's not, and the things people say they hurt her.

i know this because they do the same to me.

but i deserve it because i made you jump,

_didn't i cam? _


	2. Chapter 2

_22nd April 2013_

dear cam,

i don't think im capable of feelings anymore

i can't smile, well i can, but not realistically, i can't even smile at my son.

Vanessa stopped coming over, she said that i can see him when i get myself figured out because the negativity is unhealthy for her and rocky, after she left i broke down crying.

did you see me, cam?

i went to school yesterday, people we're staring at me, a total of four people actually talked to me.

drew, fiona , luke and

_ali._

she asked me how _i was doing._ but she knew the answer, everybody knew the answer, i wasn't doing.

i had managed to attend two days of a five day school week, get detention twice, and come to school drunk.

what happened to me?

i'm grasping onto reality cam, when you jumped off the school did you think that this would happen? probably not.

" guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death "

cam, i feel guilt, it runs through my veins like a drug, it is like pain, this familiar pang hits me when i hear you're name or see a picture of you.. it's guilt and it is slowly eating me away.

* * *

i don't want to die cam.


	3. Chapter 3

_29th April 2013_

dear cam,

my friends are getting worried. they think i should stop writing in this notebook, they think that it's just so easy to set this down and never pick it up, but it's not, you are a relief, a _distraction_, you are my distraction from you, it sounds crazy, i know.

i talk to you when i'm sad, nervous, angry, and you listen, not even asking for anything in return.

cam, can you come back? i know you can't but i just really want you to, i wan't you to walk through the halls of degrassi and smile, make me smile. Make Maya smile?

but you can't because that's not how life works.

i hate how life works.

guess what cam, maya hasn't even touched her cello since you died, i heard she put it in her basement and refused to look at it, i want to tell her that you wouldn't want her to do that but i know that you wouldn't _want_ me to do a lot of the stuff i do.

and i guess i'm kinda afraid to talk to her.

i think she blames me, she blames me like i blame ali, she blames me like i blame myself, she blames me like she blames zig.

there is so much blame, and i can't stop it from happening, i can just watch from my own body and hope that it stops on its own, when it's not going to, nothing ever just stops on its own, well unless you jump off the roof of the school and die, cam.

we're you roaming the hallways the day that the school found out you died, you probably saw me shatter the ice hounds glass show case, screaming at ali, standing on the roof, i thought about jumping cam, i did, i wanted to be with you.

i wanted that constant feeling of blame and guilt to just stop, it didn't and it still hasn't.

* * *

cam, i used to think i was on top of the world, getting ready to be drafted, dating, just being a teen. but it all ended.

i was a complete dick to you cam.

everything i can't be, was everything you would've been, that's why you need to be here, i was completely jealous and now you're dead and i'm jealous of you for that to.

i want you to tell me why i can't be happy cam, but then i realize you're dead, and you can't answer my question.

but maybe you being dead is the reason i am so sad.


	4. Chapter 4

_6th may 2013._

dear cam,

i hate going to the ice rink, but i can't not, so i guess i should tell you where i am now, i'm at the rink, sitting on the side. their is no game or practice going on, it's actually completely empty.

I'm wearing my letter man jacket, but i'm still cold.

you died in you're letter man jacket, the thought makes me sick i just want to sink down.

I don't want people to see me, i don't want them to walk into the dark room and see me hunched over this stupid little book scribbling my feelings down miserably.

but they can, because i'm here, in this moment and i'm living and breathing and a person that writes to a dead guy about hating myself and feeling guilty and about the kid that nobody knows about and i think that if you we're still alive and could read these you would ask me to go see somebody,

but in the most sincere way you could because that's how you are, cam, you know.

maybe i would see somebody again, maybe i wouldn't. I'm not sure, cam.

do you get bored of me always saying maybe and i don't know, if i was you i would get bored of me, i repeat things over and over again, just in different ways.

i have a lot more to tell you cam, they spin around in my head, but it's harder to put them down into words, when i spell them out they look crude and harsh, like me

so i should go, letters shouldn't be long anyway.


	5. Chapter 5

_11th May 2013._

dear cam,

I tried counting the number of smiles i faked today but the number got to big and i had to stop, but at least it took my mind of things for a little bit of time.

cam? did you do things to get you're mind off things? maybe you didn't because your the one that's dead.

im tired of pretending, maybe i'm just tired.

I know you pretended too, cam. I look at photos and i see it, and i think back to moments when we talked and i see it, you we're faking and nobody noticed, i don't think anybody notices me faking either.

I wish i could cry, cam. I don't anymore and I wish i did, i remember sobbing after rocky and Vanessa left and that was the last time i ever let a tear drop, my eyes water when i yawn and i pretend im crying when i know damn right i'm not.

i wonder if you would be laughing if you read these? thinking he's a pathetic loser, maybe not.

cam you will never read these, and that makes me sad.

i guess it's for the best that you never read these,

you probably wouldn't care, and i would feel extremely embarrassed, i've managed to fool myself into thinking that you still exist and can read these,

or am i fooling myself into thinking you don't when you do?

i dont know,

can you tell me, cam?


	6. Chapter 6

_16th May 2013._

dear cam,

they are talking about you, the hockey guys. they think i can't hear because im writing and have my headphones in, but i can, and what they're saying hurts.

they said they think that you jumped off the catwalk and broke you're arm on purpose, did you cam?

i know you we're capable of it, you did jump off the school.. but i just thought, if it was happening, if you were so sad even before spring break.. why didn't you tell somebody, cam?

I would've got you help, I would've helped you.

i'm trying to ignore them cam, but it's really hard, the seed is already planted, cam, I called you clumsy when we we're at the clinic, i made fun of you and yelled at you! i put you through all of my anger from you doing exactly what i had just told the rest of the guys not to do, when you we're doing it on purpose.

I feel sick, cam, my stomach is hurting.

* * *

i'm at home now, i threw up all of my lunch into a toilet in the boys bathroom, and drew drove me home. He asked me if i was okay because he heard some rumors around that i'd been skipping and i came to school drunk, i nodded and said it was a joke.

he didn't suspect a thing, am i that good of a actor cam? i know you were but i didn't think it would be so easy.

Luke came over, he brought my homework, but i knew he knew that i wasn't going to do it.

he talked to me, we played my xbox, but it started getting dark and becky called him, he went home.

I'm alone now, well i think i am, i don't believe in ghost but if you're staring at me right now then it wouldn't be that bad, at least i'm wouldn't be alone.

cam, i started crying at dinner, we we're sitting at the table, eating pasta or something like that, adam was beside me and drew was across from me, audra was beside drew. at first my eyes we're just watering and then i felt them, the tears, they we're trickling down my face, i tried wiping them off without anybody noticing- there are so many, and i think its because the whole in my heart got bigger, really fast.

Adam, notice first, he nudged me and i looked up trying to hide it, he asked me what was wrong and I got up and tried to run out,

drew chased me down to my room and just yelled at me asking me to tell him what was wrong, I just slammed the door, so, i'm hiding in my bedroom now, its completely dark except for the small table lamp beside me.

i just want to be happy cam.

I'll stop now, i dont want to ruin the paper with my tears.


	7. Chapter 7

_28th May 2012._

dear cam,

sorry i haven't written in so long, i missed writing to you- honestly i did. I just finished my fourth session with the shrink, he asked me questions, lots of questions.

he asked me if I've ever cut myself, i felt proud to say no because i know the thought of it is morbid,

did you ever cut yourself cam? if you did i never noticed.

but then again, i never really notice anything.

if i noticed something cam, you would still be here, right cam?

i've been going to school, but i don't feel any better about things, i have been faking feeling better, i know, cliche.

maya talked to me, trust me, i was as surprised as you probably are, i was walking home and she ran up behind me, at first she was just saying casual stuff cam, but then she said she missed him to. all i did was nod, but i knew the lump in my throat was growing.

cam, she told me that things got better, she said no matter how much i missed you you weren't coming back and life wasn't going to stop for me, so just keep living.

cam, i don't want to keep living.


	8. Chapter 8

_7th June 2013._

dear cam,

I never really knew that much about you, nor did you know anything about me. So, here's 10 things that you probably didn't know, or found out.

1. I'm selfish.

2. I'm self-pitying.

3. I'm ego-centric

4. I'm arrogant.

5. I'm running out of things to tell you because _ego-centric _and_ arrogant _are synonyms of each other.

6. I'm alone, even if i'm not alone.

7. I'm crying.

8. I smoke.

9. three months ago i started hating myself.

10. I'm selfish.


	9. Chapter 9

_14th June 2013._

dear cam,

they took me to a doctor, he told me i had minor depression, i don't believe them.

but apparently it's true, it's on a sheet of paper the doctor gave to audra.

cam, did you give me depression?

audra told drew and adam and they told their friends, now i'm the freak of the school, yay.

maya tried talking to me, cam, i yelled at her and told her to leave alone.

cam, i hope you're not mad, but she's dating that zig guy, apparently she forgave him.

do you forgive her?

you're my only friend, but i hate you.. and i want to forgive you, cam?

i'm not normal anymore.


	10. Chapter 10

_16th June 2013. _

dear cam,

i have no friends. not counting you.

i've lost every ounce of happiness in my life and i have nothing to live for anymore, is this how you felt cam?

I can't be happy, I can't smile, I can't laugh, I can't love.

i think everybody gave up on me, even maya, she won't talk to me, coach stopped caring if i come to practice or not, which is usually not, ali stopped trying to cheer me up, and the torres's stopped caring what i did.

Cam, I think i'm done.

I burned myself with a smoke i was smoking yesterday, it made me feel bad, but good.

i can't remember the last time i was happy, can you, cam?


	11. Chapter 11

_25th June 2013._

dear cam,

I didn't deserve you, that's why you left

.

.

.

right?


	12. Chapter 12

_27th June 2013._

dear cam,

made me go to the office today, he told me he had been keeping an eye on me and wanted to make sure that i was okay, i hate it when people ask me that because they know i'm not.

* * *

do people leave because they want to, or because they have to, cam?

cam did you want to leave, or did you feel like you had to?

i know people leave all the time, but sometimes they take a piece of you with that, and it's not fair cam, you took a piece of me with you and i never even got a say in it, did i?

i wish you didn't even come to degrassi, i wish i didn't come to degrassi. i'd still be whole now if you would've stayed in kapuskacing.

cam, i wish you would've left a letter, maybe it would make me feel better, maybe it wouldn't.

cam, have you ever lost a friend?

you never got the chance to did you, because you died 'so young', or that's what people say.

does it really matter how old you were? you're still gone, cam.

I thought about putting these letters on you're grave but then i thought somebody might find them, try to get me help.

but i already _have_ help, my friends and family do enough of that, but i don't _want _it. I don't _want_ help, I don't want_ anything. _

_well, not anymore. _


	13. Chapter 13

_29th June 2013. _

dear cam,

it's been four months since you died,cam, it feels like longer.

the shrink keeps saying that I've stayed here for 4 months without cam, i can keep going.

but i know i can't, cam, i really really cant.

* * *

I threw a fit in class today, or that's what they said it was.

it was math and this girl was upset because her best friend wouldn't sit with her, i stood up and told her the closest person i had to a best friend jumped off the roof of the school and died, cam, and then i told her that she needed to shut the fuck up.

i didn't get in trouble, cam, i think it was because they feel pity for me.

* * *

pit·y (pt)

_n._ _pl._ **pit·ies**

**1. **Sympathy and sorrow aroused by the misfortune or suffering of another.

**2. **A matter of regret

* * *

i'm suffering, cam.


	14. Chapter 14

_7th June 2013._

dear cam,

I don't know **_what_** to write, usually they come tumbling right out, but not today,

_**why can't i write?**_

I feel sick, Ill, tired.

the ink on the page is smearing, why can't i stop fucking crying, cam, jesus christ i'm a fucking mess cam, I won't stop crying, i can't, I wan't to, I miss you, cam, I want you to come back.

.

.

cam?

I feel like i'm drowning, maybe i should drown, maybe i shouldn't, maybe i should close my eyes and wait, wait for you to come back, you will right cam?

I wan't it to come cam, the words.

I wan't to stop seeing a doctor.

I wan't to be happy.

We would all better then, wouldn't we?

_wouldn't we?_


	15. Chapter 15

_17th June 2013. _

__dear cam,

My family says they think i'm getting happier, audra said i was smiling more, I'm not sure if it's true but my swell let them believe it, right?

just because i'm not happy doesn't mean they can't be, right?

it's raining out, cam, did you like the rain?

I do. I feel like it matches my moods, comes when i'm sad and stays away when i'm happy, doesn't that sound like the exact opposite of a friend.

should i feel guilty that i've been happier cam?

vanessa brought over Rocky, I've missed him, cam, but i miss you too.


	16. Chapter 16

_28th June 2013._

__dear cam,

I wen't to Canada's wonderland yesterday, it was fun, i smiled, but then i saw Maya and Zig, she kissed him, cam, right in front of me, on the lips, i don't know why i was so upset, i grabbed zig and punched him in the eye,

He has a big bruise on it now, it reminded me of when you elbowed him in the face a few days before you died, cam, do you remember?

I think i was upset because i felt like i had to be upset _for you_.

You're not here to get mad, cam, so i was for you.

* * *

Sometimes i wonder if Eli is mad at you for jumping off the roof and him finding you, I would be.

i know it's kind of sick to think of it, but i know he started doing drugs after, i wonder if he has dreams about you're mangled body, i did,

_still do._

Does Eli want to kill you for you killing yourself? I do sometimes.

god, do i even make sense, cam.

_you don't make sense._

_I don't make sense. _

_nothing make's sense._

_I could kill someone,_

_Could you?_

this doesn't make sense.

definitely not these letters, _anyways._


	17. Chapter 17

_16th July 2013._

dear cam,

i got kicked off the team, i don't care.

The school years over and i think i'm going home in September, i also don't care.

the end of the year video yearbook was good,

you we're in it, i had to shut my eyes so i wouldn't cry.

maya watched it too, but it looked like she wasn't effected, it makes me mad that she moved on and i didn't. there is a party tonight, drew is making me go.

* * *

i don't want to.


	18. Chapter 18

_19th July 2013._

dear cam,

the end of the year party was fun, the seniors went and we all raised our glasses and said goodbye to them, Bianca raised her glass and made a toast to making it through, my vision was clouding and i ran out of the party.

cam you didn't make it.

I stood in front of the lake, i thought about jumping in, cam, but i didn't and i wish i could.


	19. Chapter 19

_27th July 2013._

dear cam,

I haven't been sleeping so i bought some sleeping pills off a dealer, i'm afraid of what i might do with them, cam.

* * *

did you have to leave so soon, cam?


	20. Chapter 20

_3rd August 2013._

dear cam,

i got in a fight, i have bruises on my arm and they took me to the hospital.

they think i got in the fight on purpose so i could feel pain, i don't think i did.

they kept me in the hospital for two days, cam, drew and adam came, so did Vanessa, she said hi and told me that she didn't think you're death was so hurting me so much, i'm so confused.

* * *

cam, maya came to the hospital she brought me flowers and said keep strong, why are all these people telling me to stay strong, there is nothing wrong with me.

right cam?

_right._


	21. Chapter 21

_11th August 2013._

dear cam,

i've decided i'm going to kill myself, i actually mustered up a laugh out of the word 'decided', i have to cam, if i don't do it now, i will live with it for the rest of my life and i just _can't._

I have the sleeping pills cam, there in my hand, i just smoked a smoke. I'm looking at a picture of rocky.

I am going to miss him wherever i'm going.

Cam, I just took 2, i have to do it fast so that i don't fall asleep before i take enough.

so, cam, i guess this is it? maybe i will see you.. maybe i won't.

i don't think anybodies going to miss me, cam, but if they do, then i'm sorry whoever finds me and reads this,

I'm sorry that you see me, here dead, and i'm sorry that I've left you with this.

I don't regret the eleven pills i just took, i don't regret the text i send to ali saying sorry for blaming her.

My writing is becoming doubles, and barely readable.

_this is it, cam, see you soon._


	22. Chapter 22

_11th August 2013._

**_Mike Dallas:_**

found dead in billet family's bathroom.

Cause of death: Over dose.

Time of death: 4:15

DOB: 12th August.

* * *

_Maya's house._

"Maya, did you hear? Dallas Killed Himself." Said Tristan.

My head shoots up and covers her mouth, he's gone, he's really gone.

"Who-who found him" she whisper.

He looks down at his phone, his eye's widen.

"Ali Bendari." he whispers, she drops her phone looking over at zig, his eyes wide aswell.

* * *

_Drew's apartment_

Phone call:

Adam: Oh my god, D-d-drew, *sobbing*.

Drew: Adam! Calm down, whats going on?!.

Adam: Drew, It's Dallas. *whispers*

Drew: what did he do now? Are you okay.

Adam: Drew, _I'm Fine._ Dallas, he- he killed himself.

Drew: Oh my god, *drops to the ground* Oh, My god.

* * *

_Luke Bakers House._

__"Luke, Come here!" Yells Becky.

he hurries up the stairs, looking at becky, standing next to a tear streaked Owen's face.

"W-w-whats going on?" He whispers.

"Luke, It's.. Dallas, he, he took his life" she whispers, a tear slipping out, Luke grabs the wooden chair next to him, his eye sight blurring and his hand covering his mouth.

"How, who, who found him?"

"He over dosed, and Ali did." Whispers Owen.

* * *

_Fiona._

__"nearly six months after the tragic death of Campbell Saunders, another student at Degrassi High has taken his life." Fiona, stops spinning around, on screen is a picture of Dallas and Cam.

"Sixteen Year old Mike Dallas over dosed on pills earlier today, a fellow classmate finding him after receiving a concerning text.

She turns around to see Imogen staring wide eyed at the tv screen, he mouth open.

"This can't be happening."

* * *

_ ._

"Hello, i hate to call you so late but, there has been a death." said a pitiful voice on the next line.

"A death?, Who?" He asks confused.

"One of you're students, Mike Dallas."

"Oh my gosh, oh, thankyou for informing me. yes, Goodbye" He sets down the phone, walking over to the kitchen table, sitting down, in shock.

* * *

_Eli & Claire._

"Eli, I just, I just got a text from Adam" whispers Claire.

"Oh, yeah, how is he doing?" Eli asks carefree.

"Eli, _there has been another suicide._" she says.

He stands up, his eyes in thin slits.

"Wh-" He starts,

"Dallas, Eli, Ali found h-him" She whispers, letting out a whimper. He hugs her, his eyes flashing back to when he found Cam.

* * *

**_Thankyou for reading this book, and remember there is always help close by. This story was completely fictional and i enjoyed writing it. I thought bringing into the people closest with him's reactions would be a good ending, like to seal the deal. yep so ok xox_**


End file.
